


Kaboom

by LocalAngelTracker



Category: Far Cry 5
Genre: Bathroom Humor, LITERALLY, Language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-07
Updated: 2019-08-07
Packaged: 2020-08-11 01:39:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20145436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LocalAngelTracker/pseuds/LocalAngelTracker
Summary: The deputy and Sharky decide to raise a little harmless hell on John’s ranch while he’s out.





	Kaboom

“Aww man, John is gonna be so pissed!” Comes the sharp whisper yell of Sharky from behind the deputy as they navigate the dense woods around John ranch. 

“We’ve gotta actually get inside first” Rook responds, much more quitter than their chaotic friend. As far as they had currently gotten, the were just waiting for a Peggie to wander away far enough to pick their nose that the two of them could actually sneak into the large home looking before them. “And if they catch us we can’t do anything” 

Sharky shrugs, whisper yelling back his softest” Sorry!” Before gesturing to the garden area before them where the Peggie on guard has finally moved away from. “Now!” He starts to yell for real before a hand is smacked over his mouth and another more muffled “sorry” comes out once more.

And so the deputy and Sharky runs towards the house as fast as their legs will carry them, intending to take full advantage of John not being home to make his life just that more difficult. There’s significantly less Peggies inside the home then there were outside. No doubt John probably had fears for the upholstery at the hands of unwashed butts sitting down. It’s surprising that there’s no clear protectors over the couch as obsessed with cleanliness as John was. The hardest part is just avoiding the giant windows that anyone could peer in and see two of hope’s county’s most wanted making their way towards the first bathroom. 

“Are you sure you got the wires coated right? The fuse won’t go out in the water?” The deputy asks as they watch Sharky fish the first modified cherry bomb out of his bag. 

“I’ve been doing this to Hurk senior long enough that I think I know what I’m doing, shorty” Sharky says with a wild grin, setting up the first of many rugged parts to their plan. The idea was to get every toilet set and then starting with the master bath, light them as they ran out of the house and back to the woods to safety. The radio call John would have to make after would be so worth the effort it took to get in. 

It doesn’t take long to slowly make their way through the maze of the house, rigging every single toilet to burst before they finally get to the master bath contracted to the bedroom. It’s worth it simply for getting to pause I see at the luxury John lived in.

“Jesus, how much do you think that bed cost him?” The deputy asks, unable to help themself. It was just one of many parts to John’s home that was out of this world extravagant. John seed may be a crazy cult motherfucker, but he did have a taste for the finer things.

“Too much for someone not using it properly” Sharky responds from the bathroom” also if you’ll note, the mirror in the corner? Yeah, totally called it. Probably can’t get off if he can’t see his own reflection” to which the both of them laugh and the deputy is grateful that Sharky can’t see the red that grace their face. “ You ready?” Sharky calls, the sound of a lighter echoing off the tile in the bathroom. 

Whether or not the deputy is ready isn’t much of a choice as the slam of the front door down below reveals that John had decided to come home much earlier than either had expected. There’s a soft cry of “shit” from the both of them before the deputy is at the door standing guard while Sharky lights the fuse.

The first toilet explodes, rocking the house more than a normal cherry bomb should as they’re racing down the back staircase. No doubt every Peggie for a mile heard the sound and was racing upstairs on John’s heels to find the cause. The distractions of the subsequent toilets on the upper half give them just enough distraction to light the rest of the fuses. 

As they exit the last bathroom there’s the distinct sound of water when they turn the corner, the main stairs having been turned into a waterfall. And there stands John seed at the top, ankle deep in water and redder than the plane he had gifted Jacob. “DEPUTY!” He screeches, eyes locking in at once on the mastermind behind the crimes before they’re yanked out the front door by the hand. 

There’s so much chaos erupting from the house that the two troublemakers don’t even mind the hail of bullets following them into the woods. They’re still cackling together, explosions in the distance, when they stop in a clearing to hold on to each other. Between the wheezing and laughing the deputy finally managed to asks” What the fuck did you put in those cherry bombs?”

“C4, dude! Man John is gonna have to shit in the woods for weeks”


End file.
